Wednesday, September 4, 2019
I woke up this morning, early. I wanted to catch the sunrise over the ocean, but I didn’t do that. Instead I stayed in bed for 30 minutes musing over all the space in my bed. Why I wasn’t feeling elated to be in a beautiful Air BnB with an amazing flatmate, the sea air and some space. I obviously missed you a lot, but I was also surprised at myself for having slept so well. Apart from waking up at about 4am to look for you and quickly realising you weren’t here, I hadn’t missed anything and you are fine. I texted your dad at about 6, I knew he would be sleeping, but he would know I was thinking of you guys.
When he woke up at 6:30 he told me how difficult it was the night before, you woke up twice to look for mommy and tata (breast milk), and neither were there. I am happy your dad has decided to handle things, together with your Nanny. They did not call, they let me be and they figured it out. It feels like growth for our family and I am so grateful. I am bitter sweet about you waking up like that. Honestly. On the one hand I know you still want around me which drives some of my purpose and let’s me know that I have done a good job- even though I never need that assurance when it comes to you. It’s definitely egotistical. On the other hand my heart is breaking that you are going through this short phase of getting off the boob. It cant be easy. At least you have a team of huggers, kissers and cuddlers with you who know how to get your spirits high. You did not sleep in your cot last night. I expected that. At least your dad had some room to sleep. On the flip side, you did drink a bottle of milk (just regular cows milk) and slept after that. I wonder if you will keep this up when I get home?
I went to the expo and threw myself into the work. I needed that. I had a really great time talking to people. You know that’s my passion in life. To talk. By 10am, I was unable to control how painful my breasts were. They were rock hard and I have not felt this pain since my milk filled up my breasts when you were just three days old. I have no cabbage leaves (that I never used anyway), I have no breast-pads, and was very grateful for the padded bra I was wearing this morning. It was s real mess. An actual mess. I managed to get through the day with a smile though. It is incredible how much of a mask we can put on at work. We can be completely here and completely not here, all at the same time. I am going through motions I guess.
We all left and Bron and I went to get dinner at the mall and obviously wine. We laughed and ate again- obviously, and it was a great time. I was incredibly tired after today though and all the plans I thought I would make are cancelled. Easily. I filled up the bath in my rented bathroom with no curtains and actually did not care if anyone saw me soaking in there. Yes- even in these days of femicide that people think only started now. You are welcome perv outside the window. While I was in the bath I chuckled a little, I finally learnt how to express milk with my fingers. Lol! Yep. I typed ‘Lol’! For 40 minutes, I sat in the bathtub and expressed this milk. A mixture of fatigue and really not caring. So what if I am soaked in breast milk? I have been soaked in puke. I really do not care. I literally mused at how amazing it is that my body can still provide so much milk. When I spoke to your father later, I said it felt like I had expressed about a litre of milk! I soaked a little more, and then I got out to shower myself down and clean to get ready for bed. I am exhausted!
I called you and your dad, and you are refusing to tell me you love me today. That makes me sad. I get the feeling that you still don’t understand why I am not at home, and that’s ok. I think I will sleep a little better today regardless.
I still miss you. Obviously, that will not go unsaid because I am not ashamed by it at all.
I love you.